Letting Go of the Need to Be Liked: Faith, Freedom, and Father James Martin

Father James Martin joins the Own Your Awkward Podcast for a deeply human, refreshingly honest conversation about rejection, approval, faith, and freedom. In this episode, we explore what it really means to let go of the need to be liked by everyone, how criticism can shape meaningful work, and why embracing your “awkward” might be one of the most spiritual things you ever do.

As someone whose work centers around helping people own their awkward, I could not have asked for a more fitting guest. Father James Martin, Jesuit priest, author, and outspoken advocate for bridge-building within the Catholic Church, has spent much of his life navigating both deep faith and deep criticism. And he does it with humility, humor, and an honesty that makes you feel seen.

The Awkward We All Share: Wanting to Be Liked

Father Martin openly shares what he calls his personal “awkward,” a lifelong desire to be loved, liked, and approved of by everyone. If that sounds familiar, congratulations, you are human.

He describes this need as not just uncomfortable but paralyzing. That craving for approval can subtly shape our decisions, mute our voices, and keep us from doing work that actually matters. Many of us will bend, shrink, or over-perform simply to avoid the discomfort of disapproval.

And here is the twist that hit hardest for me: often, the more we try to make people like us, the more awkward it becomes. We try harder, act nicer, smooth out our edges, and somehow still feel unseen or misunderstood.

When Someone Just Doesn’t Like You, and That’s Okay

One of the most impactful stories Father Martin shares is about living with another Jesuit who, in his words, “hated” him. No scandal, no drama, just two humans who did not click. And it forced him into a hard realization.

Not everyone can like you.

Read that again. Slowly. Let it land.

Trying to force someone to like you, especially when they have already decided otherwise, only makes things worse. It rubs people the wrong way, drains your energy, and quietly erodes your confidence. Sometimes, it truly is more about them than it is about you.

That truth is both uncomfortable and wildly freeing.

Criticism, Attacks, and Doing Work That Matters

When Father Martin began his ministry focused on LGBTQ+ inclusion within the Church, he faced intense backlash, personal attacks, protests, and even death threats. From both sides. Let that sink in.

It would be easy to walk away from that kind of heat. But instead, he learned something crucial: detachment from the need for approval is what allows you to keep going.

He talks about how he receives criticism daily, and probably hourly on social media. The key, he says, is learning to distinguish between criticism that deserves a response and noise that does not. If a critique is legitimate, he engages. If it is just negativity or reaction without listening, he lets it go.

Here is the part that matters for all of us: if you are doing something good, something meaningful, something that challenges people, tension will follow. Not always, but often.

Good work is rarely comfortable work.

Love Everyone, Like Some People

One of my favorite distinctions Father Martin makes is between loving everyone and liking everyone.

Loving everyone means being charitable, kind, respectful, and helpful. Liking everyone means personal connection, chemistry, shared energy.

You are called to love everyone. You are not required to like everyone.

That small shift alone can save you a lifetime of emotional gymnastics. You can treat people with dignity and compassion without needing to emotionally contort yourself into liking, approving of, or connecting with every single person you encounter.

The Trap of Comparison and the “Unmixed Bag”

Father Martin also speaks to something painfully modern: social media comparison.

He describes how we tend to compare our “mixed bag,” the full reality of our lives, good and bad, with everyone else’s “unmixed bag,” the highlight reel they choose to post. That comparison is not just unfair, it is emotionally misleading.

You start to believe that everyone else has it together, is happier, more successful, more spiritual, more loved. And meanwhile, you are just trying to keep your socks matched and your soul intact.

Comparison, especially online, quietly feeds our need for approval and our fear of being “less than.” Awareness is the first step to breaking that spell.

Jesus, Rejection, and the Freedom of Imperfection

One of the most refreshing parts of this conversation was Father Martin’s reflection on the human side of Jesus.

We often idealize public figures, especially spiritual ones, into something untouchable and flawless. But Jesus, he reminds us, was rejected by his hometown. Even his family struggled with who he was becoming. He faced misunderstanding, criticism, and abandonment.

If even Jesus was not universally approved of, what makes us think we should be?

That perspective does not lower the bar, it makes it real. It gives us permission to be imperfect, misunderstood at times, and still deeply purposeful.

Polarization, Listening, and Why We’re All a Little Too Reactive

We also touched on the broader cultural moment we are living in. The tendency to categorize, demonize, and react without truly listening. Especially online.

Father Martin notes that many people comment without reading, attack without understanding, and form opinions based on identity or assumptions rather than actual engagement. And again, detachment becomes essential.

You cannot build bridges if you are constantly drowning in reactions. You build them by staying rooted in your purpose, not in people’s projections.

Doing Good Work Will Stretch You, and That’s a Feature

Near the end of our conversation, Father Martin offered a truth that applies far beyond faith or ministry.

If you are trying to do something good, something meaningful, something that helps others, a certain amount of tension will follow you. History is filled with people who did important work and were deeply disliked for it in their time.

That does not mean you are doing it wrong. Often, it means you are doing something that matters.

Owning Your Awkward Is a Spiritual Practice

What I loved most about this conversation is how deeply it aligns with the heart of Own Your Awkward.

Owning your awkward is not about becoming louder or bolder for the sake of ego. It is about becoming freer. Freer from the need to be liked. Freer from shrinking yourself. Freer from letting other people’s discomfort define your direction.

Father James Martin’s journey reminds us that faith, leadership, creativity, and personal growth all require the courage to be misunderstood sometimes, disliked occasionally, and still fully committed to your purpose.

And honestly, that might be the most holy awkward of all.